December 28, 2001

Hi,                                                                      

So this is the broadest swipe that my paintbrush will make, this is the mass letter to reach the most of you.  It is my sincerest wish that I will have time and energy to also pen you a private note, but in the event that it doesn't come to pass, I hope you will all know that I was in deed thinking of you and wanted to let you know that you, in some more than significant way, touched my life, my heart, and my soul.

 

I wanted you to know this because I know how difficult I was and I know that I didn't often show or say the things that would of conveyed this to you while I was living.  It was not because I didn't feel them or want to.  It was simply because I was too scared to do so..  So now, in my death, you might know that you were very special to me, to my life and to my existence. 

 

Often times I wanted to say some of these things, and sometimes I did., but more often than not I didn't say these things.  I think that most people thought that I thought myself too grand already and I felt that if said too much it would just present itself as over the top.

 

I guess now that I am dead I can say all these things and maybe because mixed with my death it will be so over the top they will make sense and maybe make a difference.  I hope so.  

 

At the beginning of this month I got very sick, with crypto and Mac.  Two very serious illnesses that, statistically anyway, say that I will most likely be dead within the next two years.  I wanted to say a few things so that I could die in peace.  I don't even know if two years is enough time for me to do it all in, which is why I am starting now.  Once again, if you get this letter and nothing else, know that you played a significant part in my life and I just wanted you to know that.  Hopefully I will be around long enough to make sure you get this letter and more..

 

One thing I want to say to each one of you is that I came to learn that everything we say, do, think, feel, etc. is governed by one of two forces.. LOVE or FEAR.

 

Another thing I want to say is, THE CHOICE IS YOURS. 

 

It really is that simple.  It is also very hard.. . But in the end, it is just making a choice to approach an experience from a place of love or a place of fear.  I learned that although it might seem more difficult, Love will leave you feeling so much better..

 

I wish I would have chosen it more often because I always knew it was the right choice.  Instead I lived so much of my life in fear, and let me tell you it is no fun to live that way.  I did though on occasion make the right choice and boy when I did  now that was living.

 

The real irony is that love really does transcend words.  The more of it you understand the harder it becomes to describe unless you use simpler and simpler words, which then simplify the description so completely that the listener cannot comprehend what you are trying to convey.

 

My biggest wish for all of you is that you live your life as fully as possible, experiencing every moment, and just love.  Love yourself, and one another.  It is so simple and we so rarely do it.  Make time for your family, whether they are biological or self-chosen, and let them know that they are loved, even when it is hard.  Our time here is so very short, and using it lovingly is so simple an answer as to receive the most from it.

 

Remember that every soul you come in contact with is like that of your own child.  Each of these moments holds the seeds of your own immortality.  For what is a child really but those things we give them to set forth into the world with.  If you give each of them the right thing, love, they will remember it forever and give it forever.  If you give them fear, pain, ridicule, they have the potential to give that forever also.  If you knew that such a simple task could change the world, how wrong would it be for you not to do your simple part and love every soul you touch, no matter how small a way.

 

I just wanted to close out the day with this thought (s).  I am currently taking all these drugs (massive doses of antibiotics), which make me so sick, and I have to pretend to be normal for my life to still be livable, if they actually cure me of these two diseases.  It is so hard.  But I am trying.  Now on top of that, because of my newfound realization about my own mortality, I am trying to take care of all of these loose ends before I die.  I am now spending all of my extra mental abilities on this letter and about 50 individual ones, make a will, a living will, a power of attorney, collect items for people, and make this good-bye package, It is a consuming task, but what I am finding most hard is to do all of this while existing in the land of the living.  You cant really share it, it is depressing to some degree, so you just do it.  So I am, and as hard as it gets, there is an underlying excitement that I have in the idea of completing all of this.  I am trying to accomplish all the things I need to have in order, in order to die with complete peace of mind.  So if I get it all done, then all that will be left for me is to live completely free, with the knowledge that all I needed to say is said, all I needed to do is done.  I will be free to live without a thought about it.  I hope to achieve that. 

 

If you are wondering what the hell that last paragraph was all about, it is real simple,  IF YOU DO THESE THINGS AS YOU GO THROUGH THE COURSE OF EACH DAY, YOU WONT BE IN THE SITUATION I AM IN NOW.  YOU WILL BE ABLE TO  LIVE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WITH THAT KIND OF ABANDON.  DO IT.

 

The purpose of life is  to live it,

To taste experience to the utmost,

To reach out eagerly and without fear

for newer and richer experience.

                                                                                  -    eleanor Roosevelt

 

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December 30th, 2001

 

It is Saturday and I want to go dancing at spike, It is  4:30 in the morning and I just wanted to jot down this thought I had yesterday, b4 I forgot it.

 

It is just this,  throughout history, always when man is nearing death  he opens his eyes and b4 he dies it is inevitable that the all say the same thing.  Love one another.  It is that simple.

 

So why do not we listen.  It is so simple and they all say it,, and so will we, one day.  So why do not we  start living it now?